I’m finally taking my life back by force. I had two months to actually rest, with no responsibilities, and it finally made me angry enough to start the fire within me again. I don’t cope well with being idle for long. The last two months were torture, but necessary. I haven’t had the energy to get angry enough to do something about my health, but the last two months gave that back to me.
My body responds well to pain. I knew I had to focus what little energy I had been given back, into getting my strength back. So for the past 9 days I have been going for 15 minute jogs around the neighborhood. I knew it would cause my body great distress, but I was also gambling that it would make me stronger. The first couple of days were ok. Exercise still caused my body distress, discomfort, and made me disoriented, but I was prepared for all of that. I’m not afraid of enduring pain. By day seven and eight I had people telling me to stop because I could barely get out of bed and was very disoriented, but I knew I had to keep pushing myself. I told my girlfriend that if I was still able to argue about going than I was ok to go.
I don’t recommend my choice for others in my condition, and I’m certain my doctor would have advised me against it, but I knew I had to give it a try for my sanity. I started this experiment knowing that I had no other responsibilities to attend to. My goal each day was just to survive the jog. Thankfully I managed not to pass out, but it did leave me disoriented and forced me to assume bed rest for the rest of my days. My condition was made worse by the fact that most days I didn’t have the energy to fix food myself beyond heating up some ramen or eating granola bars and drinking gatorade. This has been a frequent problem for me with my chronic illness. Admittedly I don’t have the best diet because I don’t have the energy to care.
Last night I was incoherent, delirious, my head felt like it was imploding, and I could barely move but I made myself run anyway, and today I woke up and I was much more mobile. I was able to do ten minutes of yoga, and I was well enough to go into the kitchen and actually make myself a salad and other much better things for myself. Don’t get me wrong. I still feel terrible, but I was much more mobile today and that’s what this was about for me. Building back strength and taking my life back by force. I haven’t made it as far as I have in life by taking it easy or taking things laying down. I have always been a fighter and survivor and this girl finally has her fight back.
I plan on spending the next 5 weeks turning these strength building exercises into habits. I have been advised by many others to ease my way back into this but that’s not how I function. I’m either all in or out. Pain is the best way to get my body to respond, and I’m going to take advantage of that. That is one of the many reasons why I chose jogging. Others reasons include being that I want to get my memory more functional since running has been linked to improving memory. Jogging is also my drug of choice. It’s what I replaced cutting with, and it’s a quick way to release serotonin which I desperately need for my sanity. Jogging also helps satisfy my ADHD mind, even if it leaves my brain feeling like it’s going to implode.
My goal with jogging is to regain the strength I lost over three years since I was told to be ever so careful with my adrenal glands so that I didn’t give myself Addison’s disease. Thankfully, my adrenals look like they are functioning better, but now I have three years to make up for. I hope to also take off the weight I gained which I know is making everything worse.
I still have a long journey ahead of me. The angst needed to make this happen took two months to manifest, when before it would have only taken two days.
This is just the beginning, but I swear I’m going to take my life back or die trying.