Losing my health resulted in the loss of my autonomy in ways I’m just now realizing. I have let myself be defined by my illness and by others. I promised myself I would not let this happen to me again, but here I am eating multiple humble pies.
I began waking up a few months ago when I made the choice to make my only responsibility be taking care of my health. I began exercising again, one of the best decisions I’ve made.
I currently have too much time on my hands to think about everything. Lately I’ve been thinking about relationships. I realize I allowed myself to become too much of an us, and lost myself in the process. I promised myself I would never let myself become defined by anyone else again, but I find myself there yet again, and now I have to find myself again.
The benefit of having to find myself again, is getting to find the real me. I believe I was busy hiding behind school, work, and lots of socializing. I was taught as a young girl, that I should eventually want to settle down and have kids, but I’m realizing I don’t. I want to travel, and soak up different cultures and as many experiences as I can.
It’s not that I haven’t tried to settle down. I’ve tried twice but I always end up feeling suffocated. I always end up wanting change, and feel the need to move on. I use to tell myself I had bad luck choosing people that were emotionally unavailable, and now I’m realizing that I choose people that are emotionally unavailable probably because I am also emotionally unavailable, at least for long periods of time. It’s not as if I’m incapable of loving someone. I have a tendency to be overwhelming people, but eventually I go numb, and that’s when I get the itch to move on, no matter how great the person may be. This doesn’t mean I stop loving them. I just don’t seem capable of loving them and staying.
I use to think I was lonely and wanted to settle down, but now I realize I’m just social, and just don’t like living on my own. I don’t need someone in my bed to not feel lonely, I just like knowing someone else is in the next room.
I don’t believe in “the one” or think I have a “soulmate”. Just certain people that I connect with at different times and moments of bliss. Sometimes I’m able to have multiple blissful moments with the same person over time, as long as the expectations don’t grow. I think this is why I was initially drawn to polyamory. It gave me more freedom. I thought I would be ok settling down if I felt more free, but it’s not enough. I want all the freedom. I want to be able to pick up and move at anytime.
As far as children go, it’s not like I never think about being a mother. I get sentimental when I see babies and how beautiful children are, but my very next thought is how I will have to anchor myself somewhere and I will be bound to another being for at least 20 years or so. Then the urge quickly disappears.
My culture tells me I am broken because I don’t want to settle down and have children, and perhaps I am, but I have made peace with it, and I don’t want to live a lie. I want to be free. I will regain my autonomy, find a way to travel, and fill my life with as many experiences as possible. And hopefully then, I will be capable of writing about more interesting things than my illness.